


Regretful Reflection

by blazersandbarricades



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Exes, Lost Love, M/M, Paranoia, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:28:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4554252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazersandbarricades/pseuds/blazersandbarricades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jehan reflects on his relationship with Courfeyrac, based off the song, “Like I Used To” by A Rocket to the Moon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regretful Reflection

He should have been over it. After all, it was his fault things ended the way they did. They were “doomed from the start” to quote Enjolras’ remark that had meant to be an internal monologue but casually slipped out in a whisper Jehan duly noted for the entirety of his relationship with Courfeyrac.

Enjolras had meant it in his usual analytic way of stating the honest truth, and over time his views had softened to the idea that perhaps he’d judged too prematurely, but Jehan never forgot. Jehan never told anyone, and a part of him could still taste the bitterness of how silly he had been to let their friend’s criticisms affect him so.

But it was true. He and Courfeyrac were two loud personalities that clashed on occasion and needed space. Courfeyrac needed to express his extroverted enthusiasm, and Jehan needed his reflection, which sometimes involved snapping at the nearest object, human being, or animal. His emotions became so constrained and internalized that he tended to lash out more frequently as their relationship progressed, and everyone started to notice.

Courfeyrac had tried desperately to convince him that they could work this out, that they just needed some space apart and then things would get back to the way they were.

 

Space apart had only made Jehan’s melancholy rise, and his nights sleepless, and his thoughts cynical.

Befriending Grantaire’s company usually did not faze him, however, in such a state during their separation, Jehan’s dark moods heightened, and infected his daily routines. His paranoia crept to the surface, and he analyzed his behaviour, ultimately deciding it was best not to hold his lover back from their true personality. Courfeyrac was wild, flirtaeous, and charismatic, and Jehan was trying too hard to ground him. He was ultimately changing his boyfriend’s personality, and Jehan began to resent himself for causing such occurances to happen to the boy he’d fallen in love with. It wasn’t fair to either of them. That’s why when Courfeyrac showed up on Jehan’s doorstep with floral apologies, Jehan refused to accept them. Jehan refused to let his lover apologize for his own faults.

The discussion grew nasty, and Courfeyrac broke down in tears, pleading to know what he had done wrong to cause Jehan to hate him so. The separation was supposed to fix them, and it had only solidified Jehan’s suspicions. He was wrong for Courfeyrac, and he had to let him go for good.

Courfeyrac took it hard, and refused to accept the reality. Apologies were endless, and spams of letters were sent, handwritten, typed, and delivered on his behalf by their friends. Jehan had bouts of physical illness from the guilt, but threatened Grantaire into keeping his mouth shut.

Eventually, Courfeyrac began acknowledging that Jehan wanted nothing to do with him. He confided in Combeferre, seeing as Enjolras’ advice always angered him with reeks of “I told you so”.  Combeferre provided a level-headed perspective, enough truth to assist Courfeyrac in believing that people change, and maybe he wasn’t to blame, with enough optimism that perhaps they could rekindle a friendship in the next few months. It was a start, and persistent to make that happen, Courfeyrac tried again to speak to Jehan only to receive monotone replies, and unreturned voicemails.

Grantaire began to despise Jehan’s depression, urging the boy not to adopt his own vices, but Jehan had dove headfirst into dark poems, fiction, and art that resonated with his beautiful tragedy, blatantly ignoring the warnings until Grantaire gave up on him, too.

A few months passed until Jehan could rekindle his old self. In that time, Courfeyrac and Combeferre had grown closer, especially during finals. The trio spent copious hours in the library studying, while Jehan overlooked from personal study carrels. He kept to himself, but it was impossible to not notice how close the guide and center had become. Weekly meetings became intertwined with public displays of affection, and that sickening feeling Jehan had experienced months earlier returned. The night Courfeyrac announced that he and Combeferre were now dating; Jehan had fled to the bathroom to get sick, only to be followed by Bahorel and the truth cascaded off his tongue.

“Well why the fuck didn’t ya tell him earlier? He spent months blaming himself, and now ya tell me that’s all you did before ya dumped his ass? Really, Jehan! You’re better than that. We all know it. You can’t have honestly believed you were to blame for the relationship. Everyone fucks up. Things were normal until you let your paranoia get in the way! Fucking hell… Well… What the fuck are ya gonna do about it?”

“Nothing. He’s with Combeferre now. I lost him. It’s all my fault.”

Nights were the worst. The sheets were always empty, and cold, and resembled how hollow he felt. All his mind could do was replay the memories of what it was like sleeping next to Courfeyrac, wild curls tickling his skin, limbs hogging the width of the mattress, sheets warm from body heat apart from Courfeyrac’s obscenely cold feet that always made Jehan wonder if he had problems with his circulation.

Courfeyrac had always let Jehan rest his head against the familiar heartbeat he admired, fingers absentmindedly running through tangled hair, rebraiding the fallen strands until Jehan fell asleep to the movements.

All of that was gone.

All of it now belonged to Combeferre.

Flashbacks haunted him daily. He’d try and focus on writing study notes and lyrical poems would flow about his muse before he’d scribble out the evidence. Jehan would flip through television channels in numb reverie and scenes from the copious amount of shows Courfeyrac had persuaded him into watching would be advertised, and Jehan couldn’t help but wonder whether Courfeyrac did the same with Combeferre. What if he’d discovered those shows with Combeferre prior to informing Jehan of them? Did Combeferre get into debates about their faults, or point out their successes in portraying equality, or feminism? Did Combeferre sit quietly and not make Courfeyrac loathe a film he once loved due to its horrible attempt at portraying various sexualities? How different were they in intimate settings? Did Courfeyrac show Combeferre these insights into his soul, like he’d done with Jehan? Was Jehan just another number to him? Did Courfeyrac’s whole body ache with longing like Jehan’s did?

Would Combeferre notice Courfeyrac’s triggers far earlier because of their trio bond? Was Combeferre even a cuddler? Did he even know what it was like to keep such a tight hold on Courfeyrac when he cried himself to sleep because he just cared so much and took things to heart?

Did they spontaneously dance to whatever new mainstream song Courfeyrac had become obsessed with? Would he memorize the lyrics to Courfeyrac’s favourite song and analyze the deeper meaning as to appreciate him in more detail next time he opened himself up that vulnerably?

Probably.

Why wouldn’t he? Courfeyrac was the one Jehan had let get away. Combeferre had a great catch, and wouldn’t be as foolish to let him slip away.

Why hadn’t Jehan fought for him? Why had he lost himself so that he couldn’t remember these important details months ago and not broken up with his muse?

How many times a day would Combeferre tell Courfeyrac he loved him?

Would he remember to say it everyday?

Would he know what words to say that made Courfeyrac feel invincible, when his world was crashing down around him and he lost hope?

Would he know what it was like to love someone so much he would be willing to sacrifice his happiness for Courfeyrac’s?

Because that’s what Jehan did.

He’d thought that was the right thing to do.

He’d thrown away his best chance at real love, and instead of accepting the hardships; he’d convinced himself that Courfeyrac would be better off without him.

If he’d told Courfeyrac the truth instead of avoiding him and hiding away, would he have continued to fight as hard as he did?

If Courfeyrac knew how Jehan currently felt, would it make a difference? Or would it just make Jehan look even more cowardly?

If Courfeyrac knew… would it even make a difference? 


End file.
